it's the same rain you loved, that drowned you

“Have you ever tried to drown yourself?
 In your own tub? Filled it with bubbles to make it look like you were only taking a bath. Pushed yourself under still holding your breath because you’re not sure if you really want this. The bubbles, almost all popped and weakened by the gentle waves you make since you don’t know how to sit still burn your nose because you forgot to plug it when you went under. Now your throat hurts and you laugh at yourself.
 Not good enough at anything. Not even good enough to drown.
 Then you question yourself. Do you really want to die? You look back at past attempts. Too many pills. Most times they just made you a little sick. You fall asleep hoping you won’t wake up. But you do -with a wicked stomach ache. It doesn’t work like that.
 Oh but that one time, that one time it stuck. But you were brought to the hospital in time. They made you throw up. They made you stick around for a day until they found out you had no insurance and you were over 18 and they couldn’t make you stay.
 Doesn’t it upset you that people still don’t take you seriously even after you’ve been diagnosed -like that is the proof you need.
 Isn’t it proof enough when someone is saying that they don’t feel too well and they mean mentally that maybe someone who cares should give a fuck?
 People only care when it’s too late.
 So I…I mean…someone contemplates suicide again. Feeling the cuts mixed with scars on her leg. Rereading all of her poems and wonders, would anyone really care? I can’t do it properly. I’m never successful. My pain isn’t real until I’m dead.
 What does it take for someone to take you seriously? Does it depend how you dress? If you look suicidal then it’s fake? What does suicidal look like? Is it black hair and nails and makeup? Is it someone well put together, not a blonde hair out of place? What does giving up look like? Is it dirty clothing and no makeup? The bare minimum? You can’t tell. Someone with a smile on their face can be the saddest person you meet. We hide it well, don’t we?
 But we can’t trust our feelings because no one trusts us.

noriu verkti. noriu mesti. i'm not good enough i'm not smart enough i'm not enough..
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viskas gerai. taip buvo, taip ir bus. i'm not alone in my room and i need to hold my tears from falling, but goddammit, it's way harder than i think. i'm not suicidal. tik kai man skauda viduje, norisi, kad ten neskaudėtų. kartais padarau, kad skaudėtų kitur. i'm good. i'm fine. i'm doing great, thanks for asking. yes, i love my life right now. i fucking love it. i love it. you hear me? i don't think so! you don't! hear how loud i'm laughing. hear all the jokes i say. see my wide wide smile. see how my eyes are sparkling. notice how outgoing and friendly and easygoing i am. patikėk. patikėk. juk taip stengiuosi. net nežinai, ar ne? nesupranti. viskas nežinoma, visko per daug, nespėji, negali. your not that kind of a person. aš esu nevykėlė. dėmė. stoviu viena. niekas negali padėti. i will hold it all in. i will, until it breaks me, fatally. then you will notice. maybe. then you will understand. maybe.
keep going, baby. don't think about the ghosts of the past.
i won't cry, but i will. i won't fall, but i will. i won't break, but i will. i won't tell, but i will. i won't suffer, but i will. i won't love, but i will. i won't scream, but will. i won't think, but i will. i won't care, but i will. i won't hurt, but i will. i won't die, but...
manau, anglų kalba rašyti svarbias mintis dažnai būna lengviau. tarsi kita kalba išlaisvina tavo susigėdinimą, tavo jausmus, tavo mintis, tavo apmaudą ir skausmą. so that's good.
kiekvieną dieną galvoju ar esu ten, kur turėčiau būti. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju kaip esu įstrigusi ir negaliu nieko pakeisti. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju kodėl. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju kodėl turiu būti čia ir jaustis nelaiminga, kai galėčiau išeiti, mesti dabartinį gyvenimą ir pradėti kažką kito. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju, kad bijau. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju kaip norėčiau justi skausmą ne tik viduje, bet ir išorėje. kiekvieną dieną pagalvoju ar ateityje bus lengviau, gal tik dabar taip sunku, kad verta, kad aš galiu, kad išgyvensiu ir būsiu laiminga.
bet.
o.
jeigu.
ne?
...  .. ??..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........
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o kas tada?
manau, tada teks išeiti pasivaikščioti.