she is rotting quietly under her skirts with a melancholy smile, like the odour of violets given off by a decomposing body

There’s just something unsettling about studying your reflection. It’s not a matter of being dissatisfied with your face or of being embarrassed by your vanity. Maybe it’s that when you gaze into your own eyes, you don’t see what you wish to see—or glimpse something that you wish weren’t there.

ir kybau per dieną prie telefono, kybau prie kompiuterio. nesiskubinu rašyti pirma, oj ne. bet kartais vistiek parašau. tu atrašai kada gali. galvoju: "nieko tokio. dabar tu užsiėmęs, juk tu toks užsiėmęs žmogus. pasirašinėsim vakare, kai grįši namo." ir grįžti. ir atrašai kada gali. užsiėmęs, užsiėmęs... o aš ir kybau, ir kybau... ir tada sulaukiu labanakt, o kartais ir nelabai sulaukiu. bet nieko, suprantu. tu užsiėmęs žmogus. pavargsti. viskas gerai. gerai. reikia suprasti. reikia nebūti clingy attention whore. tokių nieks nemėgsta. nemėgsta. todėl atrašau kada tik gali man atrašyt. nieko tokio, kad negali. viskas gerai. gerai, sakau.

i feel so distant. so out of touch, so out of space. i want to call you my home, but you aren't. i guess it can't be like in those romantic books, movies and shit. i want you to understand me, but i feel like drowning. i can't tell you how cold and sad and distant i feel whenever i'm around you. you would feel hurt. i want you to believe that i do feel like at home around you... maybe if you believe that, it would somehow become true. it feels like i'm trying really hard to love you and i know i shouldn't try because love should come naturally. maybe i need to let go... i desire to belong. i only want to have one human in my life. the one who would know me for what i am truly. but maybe that's only possible in fairy tales... yeah, probably...

atsiprašau.

if i had a voice i'd sing, if i had a heart i could love you

Just as the man who is hanging himself, after kicking away the stool on which he stood, the final shore, rather than feeling the leap which he is making into the void feels only the rope which holds him, held to the end, held more than ever, bound as he had never been before to the existence he would like to leave.

i struggle so much to care about myself. i care enough to get out of the bed and take a shower but not enough to eat breakfast.

***

ne, nemanau, kad jį myliu. bent jau dar ne. dar ne. nesinori. bijau. svarstau ir analizuoju. gal šiek tiek svajoju. šiek tiek dvejoju. palaikau atstumą. atstumas yra gerai. atstumas yra protinga. atstumas tiek kūnais, tiek mintimis neleidžia man visos savęs atiduoti jam. norėčiau nepriklausyti. bet žmogus natūraliai visada kažkam priklauso. norėčiau netingėti. kai kurie netingi. jiems gera. man šiek tiek liūdniau. ką padarysi.

***

there are moments when i want to say that i love you. and there are moments when i don't know why i am with you, and i feel nothing good, i feel distant and cold and hard to touch. i never say that i love you. i still think it's not real. i'm afraid. maybe you are too? but in that moment, when you were looking straight into my eyes, stroking my face, our bodies pressed together, i swear i thought i've felt your love. i thought i saw it in your eyes, that pretty bright eyes of yours. they were warm. they were caring.
in that moment you loved me and i loved you too.
i was in a bliss.

let her remain where she is. a constellation away

Is there anybody here
Who hears me crying?
I'm dying.
Is there anybody here
When it's over?
Over?
I'm just passing the time
Wondering how you people will ever survive.

kartais. o gal visada.
kas galėtų pasakyt?

***

he says i'm lucky because he's smart and handsome. a few hours later he says he's lucky because i suck his dick.
the difference makes me cringe.
i'm not a magical girl.
i'm nothing special.
some say i am. but most of you don't see any magic in me. and that's okay. that's how it should be. it's normal. i'm normal. i'm fine.

***

nieko labai neįvyko. įvyko, bet nemanau, kad noriu čia rašyti. o kam. o kam... #still_living

you don’t have to sleep, you don’t have to dream, to have nightmares

Then she wished, more rationally, that she could love him without needing him. Need gave him power without his trying; need was the choicelessness she often felt around him.

i've been hurt. i've been used. i cried, i cried. i loved. i cried so much that now days, weeks, months, years passes away and not a single tear flows down my cheek. there's days when everything pills up and all i wish to do is cry. but i don't. i hold back. i can't, i mustn't, i'm strong, i'm not some stupid girl who's crying over stupid things. i'm untouchable, i'm better, i'm not hurt, i can't cry. i feel weak and fragile when i cry. and i hate that feeling. it's that simple, after all.
and you say i'm so passive, you sound like you're angry when you say that i just don't care whenever you fuck me and leave me. but i do care. i care. and i want to tell you why i act like i don't care, why i say that i won't hold you back from running away. i wish you to stay. i need. i long for you. sometimes.. sometimes i even think about loving you even if it scares me to death. it's hard to breath. i ramble so much. i'm so sorry. i want to stay distant, i want to feel independent, i want to feel like i really don't need you, like you're nothing, like you're one of those nameless guys that i've kissed. but you're not. i feel alone. i don't want you to left me. for fuck's sake, i hate you. you make me cry. YOU, of all fucking people. you, the derp, anime trash, fucking weeaboo. i hate to care about a boy. i want to remain calm. i want to feel numb.
i loved, i was mad. i did things to myself. i was self-destructive. i did not care if he used me. and he DID used me. i was like a toy to play with for several times and then be left in the corner. he damaged me. and now you came into my life. and i just don't know anymore. the state i lived in for several years is fading, it's changing. and i'm so scared. so i act like i don't care if you go away. maybe i want to know if you will come back to me. i say i would be upset a little if you break up with me. but the truth is...

no, it's nothing. i'm just being silly again. everything is fine. all is good.

turn your wounds into wisdom

Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possible have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possible work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, then you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their yellow paint.

būk atsargi, mergaite. nepamiršk. niekada nepamiršk. nepasiduok. neapsileisk. vis dar pameni kaip skauda. vis dar žinai. nepatinka, nepatinka. kartok kol užmigsi. kartok kol nebesuprasi prasmės. kartok kol pati tuo tikėsi. būk apdairi. nesileisk įpainiojama į tą velniavą. tau to nereikia, juk žinai. esi laiminga ir be to. juk esi, taip? žinau, kad bijai. o kas, jeigu? bet nesijaudink, taip neatsitiks. tu pasimokei. viskas bus gerai. kad ir kas benutiktų, šį kartą taip nebeskaudės. tu stipri. išgyvenai. išgyvensi. tu tvirta. neatversi savęs kaip dėžutės. neatskleisi savęs kaip paveikslo. laikysiesi. ir laimėsi.
tai viskas, kas tau liko.

***

aš noriu, kad tai būtų svarbu. kad rūpėtų. kad mano kūnas virpėtų, vibruotų, trūkčiotų, eitų elektros bangomis, glaustųsi prie tavęs savaime. aš noriu, kad tavo bučiniai mane verstų jausti kaip žarnos vartosi pilve, ir taip, šneku apie drugelius. noriu, kad tavo bučiniai verstų mane apsvaigti, vėliau net aiškiai nebeprisiminti kas vyko. noriu, kad tavo bučiniai verstų mane kažką jausti. todėl bučiuoju tave ir įsivaizduoju, kad visa tai vyksta. kad jaučiu. kad gera. kad mintys sukasi. kad linksta kojos. kad darosi sunku kvėpuoti. juk taip būdavo. visas kūnas liepsnodavo. būdavau liepsnų mergaitė. godi, geidulinga, aistringa, nepasotinama. egoistiška. įsimylėjusi. pakvaišusi. norėjau dar ir dar, ir dar. dabar noriu irgi. noriu justi. kažką, prašau. bučiuoju tave ir akimis maldauju: "prašau, priversk mane pamiršti." turiu tave ir naudoju. naudoju, kad priverstum mane kažką justi. tikiuosi, kad viskas pasikeis.

***

and you tell him a story
with a smile on your face
and he goes
but she was drunk
she was asking for this

and then you tell yourself
it doesn't matter
it's all okay
he's different
and you believe it

you tel yourself the same
when he's not stopping
touching you