she took my heart, i think she took my soul

Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

noriu pasakyti. noriu rėkti. noriu klykti, kol prarasiu balsą. noriu verkti ir raudoti, iki kol akys taps upėmis. noriu... per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug per daug išnykti

nedarau nieko.
nesvarbu.
viskas gerai ir niekas nesvarbu.

there’s something disturbing about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold

We’ll squeeze every second that we can from our lives, because we’re young, and we have plenty of years to grow. We’ll grow until we’re braver. We’ll grow until our bones ache and our skin wrinkles and our hair goes white, and until our hearts decide, at last, that it’s time to stop.

atsitiko taip, kad mano gyvenime atsirado du vyrai. berniukai. tiesiog berniukai. ir dabar sukuosi pakvaišusioje karuselėje tarp pirmo ir antro. ką daryti. kurį pasirinkti. vienas man patinka dėl vienų dalykų, kitas dėl kitų. abu yra itin skirtingi, abu savaip mieli, gražūs, užvedantys, supratingi, geri... ir svarstau, ir suku galvą. skausminga procedūra. vienas mane myli, kitas ne. greičiausiai. jeigu nebūtų antro, taip ir būčiau pasilikusi su pirmu. ramiai. viskas būtų ramu. susitaikyčiau su jo nebuvimu, priprasčiau prie šalčio. bet antras siūlo savo glėbį ir šiltumą. sakysit ir sakot, kad mesčiau pirmą. kad būtų taip paprasta... tarsi žaidimas... suprantu, kodėl taip sakot. bet nepasidaro lengviau apsispręsti. sunku. ar žmogui lengva pasirinkti kaip mirti? vieniems lengva. kiti neišdrįsta. kiti gauna ir kulką į galvą ir nuteka upės srovėle.

she is rotting quietly under her skirts with a melancholy smile, like the odour of violets given off by a decomposing body

There’s just something unsettling about studying your reflection. It’s not a matter of being dissatisfied with your face or of being embarrassed by your vanity. Maybe it’s that when you gaze into your own eyes, you don’t see what you wish to see—or glimpse something that you wish weren’t there.

ir kybau per dieną prie telefono, kybau prie kompiuterio. nesiskubinu rašyti pirma, oj ne. bet kartais vistiek parašau. tu atrašai kada gali. galvoju: "nieko tokio. dabar tu užsiėmęs, juk tu toks užsiėmęs žmogus. pasirašinėsim vakare, kai grįši namo." ir grįžti. ir atrašai kada gali. užsiėmęs, užsiėmęs... o aš ir kybau, ir kybau... ir tada sulaukiu labanakt, o kartais ir nelabai sulaukiu. bet nieko, suprantu. tu užsiėmęs žmogus. pavargsti. viskas gerai. gerai. reikia suprasti. reikia nebūti clingy attention whore. tokių nieks nemėgsta. nemėgsta. todėl atrašau kada tik gali man atrašyt. nieko tokio, kad negali. viskas gerai. gerai, sakau.

i feel so distant. so out of touch, so out of space. i want to call you my home, but you aren't. i guess it can't be like in those romantic books, movies and shit. i want you to understand me, but i feel like drowning. i can't tell you how cold and sad and distant i feel whenever i'm around you. you would feel hurt. i want you to believe that i do feel like at home around you... maybe if you believe that, it would somehow become true. it feels like i'm trying really hard to love you and i know i shouldn't try because love should come naturally. maybe i need to let go... i desire to belong. i only want to have one human in my life. the one who would know me for what i am truly. but maybe that's only possible in fairy tales... yeah, probably...

atsiprašau.

if i had a voice i'd sing, if i had a heart i could love you

Just as the man who is hanging himself, after kicking away the stool on which he stood, the final shore, rather than feeling the leap which he is making into the void feels only the rope which holds him, held to the end, held more than ever, bound as he had never been before to the existence he would like to leave.

i struggle so much to care about myself. i care enough to get out of the bed and take a shower but not enough to eat breakfast.

***

ne, nemanau, kad jį myliu. bent jau dar ne. dar ne. nesinori. bijau. svarstau ir analizuoju. gal šiek tiek svajoju. šiek tiek dvejoju. palaikau atstumą. atstumas yra gerai. atstumas yra protinga. atstumas tiek kūnais, tiek mintimis neleidžia man visos savęs atiduoti jam. norėčiau nepriklausyti. bet žmogus natūraliai visada kažkam priklauso. norėčiau netingėti. kai kurie netingi. jiems gera. man šiek tiek liūdniau. ką padarysi.

***

there are moments when i want to say that i love you. and there are moments when i don't know why i am with you, and i feel nothing good, i feel distant and cold and hard to touch. i never say that i love you. i still think it's not real. i'm afraid. maybe you are too? but in that moment, when you were looking straight into my eyes, stroking my face, our bodies pressed together, i swear i thought i've felt your love. i thought i saw it in your eyes, that pretty bright eyes of yours. they were warm. they were caring.
in that moment you loved me and i loved you too.
i was in a bliss.

let her remain where she is. a constellation away

Is there anybody here
Who hears me crying?
I'm dying.
Is there anybody here
When it's over?
Over?
I'm just passing the time
Wondering how you people will ever survive.

kartais. o gal visada.
kas galėtų pasakyt?

***

he says i'm lucky because he's smart and handsome. a few hours later he says he's lucky because i suck his dick.
the difference makes me cringe.
i'm not a magical girl.
i'm nothing special.
some say i am. but most of you don't see any magic in me. and that's okay. that's how it should be. it's normal. i'm normal. i'm fine.

***

nieko labai neįvyko. įvyko, bet nemanau, kad noriu čia rašyti. o kam. o kam... #still_living