you don’t have to sleep, you don’t have to dream, to have nightmares

Then she wished, more rationally, that she could love him without needing him. Need gave him power without his trying; need was the choicelessness she often felt around him.

i've been hurt. i've been used. i cried, i cried. i loved. i cried so much that now days, weeks, months, years passes away and not a single tear flows down my cheek. there's days when everything pills up and all i wish to do is cry. but i don't. i hold back. i can't, i mustn't, i'm strong, i'm not some stupid girl who's crying over stupid things. i'm untouchable, i'm better, i'm not hurt, i can't cry. i feel weak and fragile when i cry. and i hate that feeling. it's that simple, after all.
and you say i'm so passive, you sound like you're angry when you say that i just don't care whenever you fuck me and leave me. but i do care. i care. and i want to tell you why i act like i don't care, why i say that i won't hold you back from running away. i wish you to stay. i need. i long for you. sometimes.. sometimes i even think about loving you even if it scares me to death. it's hard to breath. i ramble so much. i'm so sorry. i want to stay distant, i want to feel independent, i want to feel like i really don't need you, like you're nothing, like you're one of those nameless guys that i've kissed. but you're not. i feel alone. i don't want you to left me. for fuck's sake, i hate you. you make me cry. YOU, of all fucking people. you, the derp, anime trash, fucking weeaboo. i hate to care about a boy. i want to remain calm. i want to feel numb.
i loved, i was mad. i did things to myself. i was self-destructive. i did not care if he used me. and he DID used me. i was like a toy to play with for several times and then be left in the corner. he damaged me. and now you came into my life. and i just don't know anymore. the state i lived in for several years is fading, it's changing. and i'm so scared. so i act like i don't care if you go away. maybe i want to know if you will come back to me. i say i would be upset a little if you break up with me. but the truth is...

no, it's nothing. i'm just being silly again. everything is fine. all is good.

turn your wounds into wisdom

Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possible have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possible work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, then you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their yellow paint.

būk atsargi, mergaite. nepamiršk. niekada nepamiršk. nepasiduok. neapsileisk. vis dar pameni kaip skauda. vis dar žinai. nepatinka, nepatinka. kartok kol užmigsi. kartok kol nebesuprasi prasmės. kartok kol pati tuo tikėsi. būk apdairi. nesileisk įpainiojama į tą velniavą. tau to nereikia, juk žinai. esi laiminga ir be to. juk esi, taip? žinau, kad bijai. o kas, jeigu? bet nesijaudink, taip neatsitiks. tu pasimokei. viskas bus gerai. kad ir kas benutiktų, šį kartą taip nebeskaudės. tu stipri. išgyvenai. išgyvensi. tu tvirta. neatversi savęs kaip dėžutės. neatskleisi savęs kaip paveikslo. laikysiesi. ir laimėsi.
tai viskas, kas tau liko.

***

aš noriu, kad tai būtų svarbu. kad rūpėtų. kad mano kūnas virpėtų, vibruotų, trūkčiotų, eitų elektros bangomis, glaustųsi prie tavęs savaime. aš noriu, kad tavo bučiniai mane verstų jausti kaip žarnos vartosi pilve, ir taip, šneku apie drugelius. noriu, kad tavo bučiniai verstų mane apsvaigti, vėliau net aiškiai nebeprisiminti kas vyko. noriu, kad tavo bučiniai verstų mane kažką jausti. todėl bučiuoju tave ir įsivaizduoju, kad visa tai vyksta. kad jaučiu. kad gera. kad mintys sukasi. kad linksta kojos. kad darosi sunku kvėpuoti. juk taip būdavo. visas kūnas liepsnodavo. būdavau liepsnų mergaitė. godi, geidulinga, aistringa, nepasotinama. egoistiška. įsimylėjusi. pakvaišusi. norėjau dar ir dar, ir dar. dabar noriu irgi. noriu justi. kažką, prašau. bučiuoju tave ir akimis maldauju: "prašau, priversk mane pamiršti." turiu tave ir naudoju. naudoju, kad priverstum mane kažką justi. tikiuosi, kad viskas pasikeis.

***

and you tell him a story
with a smile on your face
and he goes
but she was drunk
she was asking for this

and then you tell yourself
it doesn't matter
it's all okay
he's different
and you believe it

you tel yourself the same
when he's not stopping
touching you