you don’t have to sleep, you don’t have to dream, to have nightmares

Then she wished, more rationally, that she could love him without needing him. Need gave him power without his trying; need was the choicelessness she often felt around him.

i've been hurt. i've been used. i cried, i cried. i loved. i cried so much that now days, weeks, months, years passes away and not a single tear flows down my cheek. there's days when everything pills up and all i wish to do is cry. but i don't. i hold back. i can't, i mustn't, i'm strong, i'm not some stupid girl who's crying over stupid things. i'm untouchable, i'm better, i'm not hurt, i can't cry. i feel weak and fragile when i cry. and i hate that feeling. it's that simple, after all.
and you say i'm so passive, you sound like you're angry when you say that i just don't care whenever you fuck me and leave me. but i do care. i care. and i want to tell you why i act like i don't care, why i say that i won't hold you back from running away. i wish you to stay. i need. i long for you. sometimes.. sometimes i even think about loving you even if it scares me to death. it's hard to breath. i ramble so much. i'm so sorry. i want to stay distant, i want to feel independent, i want to feel like i really don't need you, like you're nothing, like you're one of those nameless guys that i've kissed. but you're not. i feel alone. i don't want you to left me. for fuck's sake, i hate you. you make me cry. YOU, of all fucking people. you, the derp, anime trash, fucking weeaboo. i hate to care about a boy. i want to remain calm. i want to feel numb.
i loved, i was mad. i did things to myself. i was self-destructive. i did not care if he used me. and he DID used me. i was like a toy to play with for several times and then be left in the corner. he damaged me. and now you came into my life. and i just don't know anymore. the state i lived in for several years is fading, it's changing. and i'm so scared. so i act like i don't care if you go away. maybe i want to know if you will come back to me. i say i would be upset a little if you break up with me. but the truth is...

no, it's nothing. i'm just being silly again. everything is fine. all is good.